Sometimes if you’re nice to grad students, they are nice back – Chapman edition

Chapman bailed me out of jail on a bogus charge, and all grad students should go through the hell that must feel like: Oh, and because you’ve got a key, I can find a bright kid to pick the lock. It’s the basis of cryptography.

So me and Chapman and this student had a chat this morning about how she wants to do more work for us over the summer.

Don’t know if she’ll work out, I always figured the kids are moldable until about 5, after that it’s a crap shoot (mine have all turned out exceedingly well, despite their despicable parents).

For the first year Chapman worked in my lab, I didn’t know he existed, and now he’s the golden ginger boy of food safety.

The university may shut this idea down, so wat?

I always thought being a uni prof was to come up with novel ideas and be at home while raising kids.

Now it’s lotsa  talk about research excellence, while spending your time on bureaucrat bullshit.

If I had to spend another weekly faculty meeting with 30 or more profs making 6 figures arguing the merits of a 25K per year admin type , I wouldn’t go postal, I’d turn the gun on myself.

I’m still an optimist, despite all my bullshit negativity to the contrary, and will always be there for a student, or anyone else who wants to learn.

Well played, Chapman.

Things that are cool about Canada on this Canada Day (and it ain’t us)

Wayne Gretzky

Neil Young

Dan Ackroyd

Phil Hartman

Robbie Robertson

Alexander Graham Bell

SCTV

Lorne Michaels

Kids in the Hall

Blue Rodeo

Leslie Neilson

Tragically Hip

Frederick Banting

Sloan

Massey-Ferguson

Manners

Hockey (the ice kind, and the girls kind)

And the warmth and understanding for an 18-year-old who killed two other guys in a 1981 car crash.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy’ Tom Waits on Fernwood2Night

Yes, the joke was borrowed from National Lampoon, and I’m old enough to remember both, but when Tom Waits says it, wow.

Fernwood Tonight was one of those weird late-night 70’s shows that bored teenagers like me would stay up and watch, along with SCTV.

It made stars out of Martin Mull and Fred Willard, and the material still holds up.

Here’s Tom Waits signing, The Piano has been Drinking.

The Food Taster: German man suspected of killing 21 co-workers by poisoning their food

Darko Janjevic of DW reports German authorities launched a probe into a string of deaths at a metal fittings company after an employee was caught trying to poison a co-worker’s lunch. Police found quicksilver, lead and cadmium in the man’s home.

The man was arrested for the incident in the town of Schloß Holte-Stukenbrock, northwest Germany. However, police now suspect he may be responsible for up to 21 deaths of people working for the same company.

The police detained the 56-year-old suspect in May this year, after one of his co-workers noticed an unknown white powder on his food. The would-be victim alerted his superiors and asked them to review the recordings made by security cameras, which then showed the suspect adding the substance to the co-worker’s lunch.

“In the beginning we thought it was a misconceived prank between co-workers, and not a murder attempt,” said Tilo Blechinger, the manager for the metal fittings manufacturer ARI Armaturen, to the DPA news agency.

The case escalated to an attempted murder after authorities identified the powder as lead acetate, a highly toxic and nearly tasteless substance that could cause serious organ damage.

Diamondbacks pitcher took the mound with poop in his pants

Archie Bradley, a relief pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, told Yahoo Sports’ MLB Podcast he pooped his pants in a game this season shortly before taking the mound. The tale came up while discussing Adrian Houser, the Milwaukee Brewers pitcher who recently barfed on the field. Bradley had a story that definitely one-upped Houser’s.

“I was warming up to go in a game. I knew I had the next hitter. I knew he was on deck. The at-bat was kinda taking a little bit. As a bullpen guy in these big situations, I call ’em nervous pees, where like I don’t have to pee a lot, but I know I have to pee before I go in the game. I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” Bradley told Yahoo Sports.

“So it’s a 2-2 count, and I’m like, ‘Man, I have to pee. I have to go pee.’ So I run in our bathroom real quick, I’m ready to go. I’m trying to pee and I actually s–t my pants. Like right before I’m about to go in the game, I pooped my pants. I’m like, ‘Oh my gosh.’ I know I’m a pitch away from going in the game, so I’m scrambling to clean myself up. I get it cleaned up the best I can, button my pants up, and our bullpen coach, Mike Fetters, says, ‘Hey, you’re in the game.’ So I’m jogging into the game to pitch with poop in my pants essentially.

“It was the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been on the mound. And I actually had a good inning. I had a clean inning, and I walked in the dugout and I was like, ‘Guys, I just [expletive] myself.’ They didn’t believe me, then the bullpen came in and they’re like, ‘Oh my God, you had to see this.’”

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher vomits twice, stays in game

Baseball is so boring I would barf too (soccer is worse, and it’s next).

Craig Counsell played 16 seasons in the big leagues and has served as the Milwaukee Brewers’ manager for the past four, but he hasn’t seen anything like this.

Brewers relief pitcher Adrian Houser vomited twice near the mound during the eighth inning of the Brewers’ 10-9 loss against the Philadelphia Phillies. Counsell checked on him after both instances, giving the pitcher a bottle of water after the first bout, but the 25-year-old hurler stayed in the game.

Earlier in the day, the Brewers promoted Houser from Triple-A Colorado Springs. The game marked his fifth appearance in the big leagues.

“For Adrian today, it was just kind of a combination of a bunch of factors,” Counsell said. “He wasn’t under the weather at all, but it was an early wake-up call, not enough food, heat, probably a little nerves from getting to the big leagues today.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler tipped his cap to the rookie.

“I have a lot of respect for anybody who would step behind the mound and throw up and step back on the mound and pitch,” Kapler said.

It’s called barfblog.com for a reason: Ireland flight passenger tells how drunk passenger vomited all over his head and laptop

A passenger on board a Ryanair flight has shared his story of a nasty booze-filled disturbance involving another customer.

Speaking to RTE Radio One’s Liveline, Conor Lyden revealed the grim details of how another passenger puked on him and his laptop – all while in mid-air.

The incident occurred on a Ryanair flight to Malaga from Cork.

A passenger, in his late 20s to early 30s, had become “heavily intoxicated” – and despite a delay before takeoff – his antics only worsened as the trip went on.

Conor went on to explain his disappointment towards the Ryanair staff in both the build and aftermath of the incident.

He said: “I was heading away on a family holiday with my parents and my brother.

“I noticed that one passenger, in particular, was heavily intoxicated.

The flight took off despite the man causing a delay with his behaviour

“This passenger tried to bring two glasses of vodka and mixer on to the plane and he was told he wasn’t allowed to bring them on by the staff at the gate but he was allowed to just knock them back there and then.

“This particular passenger was very disruptive, shouting and intimidating other passengers.

“A lot of other passengers complained. I was sitting a couple of seats in front of him at this point.

“I think a lot of people thought he was going to be kicked off the plane, he was quite drunk.”

He came stumbling up the aisle behind me and vomited all over my head and down my front and on to my open laptop

Despite receiving a warning from staff, the passenger continued to consume alcohol they had purchased prior to boarding before covering Conor in vomit.

“Ryanair staff had some baby wipes and hand sanitizer, that was all they could give me. I didn’t have a change of clothes because they take your bag off you.

“So I had to sit there for two hours like that.

“As the largest airline in Europe, Ryanair’s number one priority is the safety of our customers, crew and aircraft and has a zero tolerance policy towards alcohol and disruptive behaviour.

“Ryanair does not allow ‘intoxicated’ passengers onboard our aircraft. We operate strict guidelines for the carriage of customers who are disruptive or appear to be under the influence of alcohol.

“It’s completely unfair that airports can profit from the unlimited sale of alcohol to passengers and leave the airlines to deal with the safety consequences.

Uh-huh.

21st century hucksterism: Budweiser’s unpasteurized beer is now available in Quebec

From the land of 8 per cent Brador beer in my misspent teen years to unpasteurized Budweiser crap.

Musée canadien des civilisations, Artefacts = Canadian Museum of Civilization, Artefacts

Quebec has some explaining to do.

But that’s nothing new.

Budweiser has launched a new kind of beer called Budweiser Brewery Fresh. It’s basically the same Budweiser you know and love, except with a little twist. That twist? Tank beer – the ultimate draught beer experience delivered cold, unpasteurized and free from any artificial ingredients, additives or preservatives for the purest taste. …

“Um, awesome much?”

Who writes this shit?

Clean water is a relatively new thing, so for millennia, people harnessed the power of fermentation to get rid of the nasties in water and drank beer and wine.

Budweiser Brewery Fresh is SO beyond fresh that it needs to be consumed within two weeks. Which means that no matter what, you’ll get to taste your favourite beer literally within 14 days of its creation.”

Enablers.