High heels and diarrhea really don’t mix; ‘I thought maybe the guy next to me had farted’ It was pole dancers with diarrhea in Florida

I used to hang out at a strip club.

When I was an undergrad, about 1984, when I didn’t have labs in the afternoon – which I did 3 days a week – I’d toddle home to Neeve St. in Guelph (that’s in Ontario, Canada, as I explained to a new neighbor I met on the morning walk to school today) and cross the train tracks to the strip club to eat lunch and read the paper (this was before, ipads, iphones, computers, whatever, we all bled the ink).

I didn’t really pay attention to the strippers.

I never went at night, because it was full of drunk bogans.

The Border Herald reports that a popular strip club in Jacksonville, Florida has been closed until further notice after several dancers contracted diarrhea last Friday night. The cause of the incident, which remains under investigation, has been initially linked to a contaminated buffet at the venue. While the investigation continues, the venue has not been named.

According to reports by local media, the strip club was nearly full on Friday night when the incident occurred, and both staff and customers were reported to have eaten from the free buffet, which included the usual selection of ribs, chicken and deep-fried shrimp.

While the results of the lab analysis are yet to come back, one source familiar with the investigation told reported that bad shrimp was the most likely cause is the diarrhea. “Typically shrimp are involved in cases like this, particularly when they are not cleaned thoroughly.”

That’s bullshit. It’s improper holding temperatures, probably Staph or C. perfringens (I spell it out so I can commend myself on being able to spell it). Or noro.

Patrons at the venue who were sitting near the stage were the most directly affected by the incident, which occurred close to 11pm. According to a witness at the venue, three dancers were performing on separate poles when the first sign of trouble emerged.

“At first I picked up a bad smell; I thought maybe the guy next to me had farted,” said the witness, who declined to be named. “However, the smell got worse and I noticed that a lot of other guys were looking around to see what it was.”

It was at this point the first dancer to suffer from diarrhea was unable to control her bowels any longer, and ‘a stream of brown liquid soon gushed over the stage,’ according to the witness. “It was absolutely disgusting,” he told journalists. “A number of guests immediately puked. I personally ran for the exit, I lost all interest in the show.”

The other dancers on stage also suffered from diarrhea soon after and were forced to abandon their performance. “They had a hard time getting off the stage,” said one witness, who stayed to watch after the incident. “High heels and diarrhea really don’t mix.”

Some guests who had been enjoying the show also contracted diarrhea and there was a rush on the men’s bathroom, which unfortunately did not have enough stalls to cope with the sudden influx in demand.

Cleaners who were hired to deal with the mess reportedly were shocked at the condition of the venue. “Strip clubs are generally dirty places, but this was on a whole new level,” said one of the cleaning staff. “In my time, I’ve seen faeces in a urinal once or twice, but never in the sinks.”

In an effort to compensate customers for the incident, the venue’s management took to social media to offer free entry to any guests who had been at the club on Friday night. Management also noted that the free buffet will not be available until further notice.

 

 

The non-hockey fan’s guide to this year’s Stanley Cup Final

This is not the hockey I grew up watching, where players had a smoke and a beer between periods. This is fast, fun and furious.

And if Nashville can embrace hockey (the ice kind for my Aussie friends) so can anyone.

Pete Blackburn of Fox Sports writes:

So, what sport is this now?

Hockey.

Isn’t that the Canadian thing with the ice and skates that no one seems to care about?

Well, some of us care, and not just in Canada. But yes, it’s played on ice. 

But why should I care now? 

Because playoff hockey is amazing and one of the greatest viewing experiences in sports. At the end of the Stanley Cup Final all the players say the f-word on TV as they pass around giant trophy that everybody gets to kiss. It’s a lot of fun.

So, who is playing in this “Stanley Cup Final?”

The Pittsburgh Penguins and the Nashville Predators.

Wait, you mean to tell me Nashville, Tennessee has a hockey team?

Yep! They’re quite good and the city has grown to love them. It’s becoming a really fun hockey town and their crowds are wild and loud. They probably have one of the best playoff atmospheres in hockey. They’re really good at shouting mean things at opposing players in unison.

You also mean to tell me that there are “hockey towns” in the United States?

Yes, and this Final features two pretty good ones. In fact, a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993. 

That must be embarrassing for them.

Yeah, let’s not get into that.

Well, which one of these teams is better?

Well, the Penguins are the defending champions and they have a very good team with a few of the best players in the world (Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin) so they’re slight favorites to win the Stanley Cup, even though they’re without their best defenseman (Kris Letang).

So I should root for them?  

Sure, if you want to. They’re great at scoring goals (fun!) and it would be the first time in nearly 20 years that a team has won the Cup in back-to-back years.

How many Cups have the Predators won?

Zero. This is the first time they’ve even made it to the Final. 

So they’re a bunch of losers?

No, that’s the Capitals. The Predators are just sort of new to the party. They’ve only been a team since 1997. The Penguins were founded 30 years before that. Nashville has a bright future.

Do the Predators actually have a chance? 

Some of their better offensive players got hurt earlier in the playoffs but they’ve still got talented scorers like Filip Forsberg, Viktor Arvidsson and James Neal. They definitely still have a chance, mainly because their defense is so good, and that tends to be a huge factor in the playoffs.

Defense is for nerds.

Somewhat agree, but the Predators defense is pretty good at scoring goals themselves. They’ve got a few impressive defensemen that are good at creating offense, including P.K. Subban.

P.K. what now? 

Pernell-Karl Subban. He’s on the Predators and is one of the best defensemen in the league. He scores a lot of goals and usually has awesome celebrations afterward. Plus, he’s funny and is really nice to sick kids. He once pledged to raise $10 million for a children’s hospital.

Oh, wow. Who wouldn’t love that guy?

Well…

What? 

Well, he was actually traded to Nashville last summer by Montreal in a really surprising deal. He kinda got unfairly blamed for some of their disappointing playoff finishes and a lot of people think the Canadiens didn’t like his “character issues.” 

What kind of character issues? Isn’t this the sport where the grown men are allowed to punch each other in the face?

Yeah, but some people apparently think that Subban is a clown for attracting attention to himself by having a lot of fun. The thought was that he “doesn’t hate to lose” enough. So they traded him for an older, more boring guy named Shea Weber.

How did that work out? 

Well, the Predators are playing for the Stanley Cup and Montreal lost in the first round.

Oh. Yikes.

Yeah.

Is there anyone like that on the Penguins?

Well, a guy named Phil Kessel won a Stanley Cup in his first season with the Penguins last year. He’s awesome and goofy and really good at scoring goals. Toronto basically ran him out of town, too.

Why did they do that?

The team stunk so some of the media unfairly pinned it on him and said he was lazy, didn’t care enough and ate too many hot dogs.

Wait, what?

Nevermind. Let’s just move on. 

So, yeah, you should definitely watch the Stanley Cup Final. You’ll either get to see a new-ish team with a wild fan base win their first-ever championship, or you’ll get to see some legends become the first repeat champions in almost two decades. Either way, it should be really fun and exciting, even if you’re not a big hockey fan.

But it sounds like both of these teams are enjoyable and likeable. Who do I choose?

Do you care about uniforms?

No, what kind of adult cares about sports uniforms? 

I do. A lot.

Nerd. Who has the better uniforms? 

Pittsburgh, by a mile. Their jerseys are some of the nicer ones in the league. The Predators dress like bottles of spicy mustard.

Go Predators.

Go Penguins.

Despite some first period jitters in game 1, I predict Predators in 7. And stay away from my bench (upper left, a look I perfected on graduate students who would submit writing but they hadn’t really tried; I’d get through one page and respond, try again).

Two grandsons, two birthdays, proud papa from afar

I had coffee with a friend this morning after dropping Sorenne off at school.

She was interested in psychology and I shared with her what I thought was relevant.

But it was watching the women in my life skating last night, and I just sat there with a shit-eating grin on my face.

Amy and Sorenne, playing hockey and wanting more ice.

Go figure.

Daughter 1 (Madelynn) and daughter 2 (Jaucelynn) both have children of their own now, with birthdays within a week.

Gabe turned 4, and Emerson turned 2.

They both apparently like cake

I miss them but it was best I leave, however painful that was.

And it was a long time ago.

Not everything is food safety

Travel woes en route to an FAO meeting (oh, that is a food safety hook)  in Russia resulted in me having 12 hours to kill in Paris. Instead of staying in the city, I did something today that I’ve thought about for a while but had not had the chance- rented the world’s smallest stick shift car and traveled to Normandy. I drove through the French countryside and walked along Juno Beach where many Canadians landed on D-Day.

Most emotional for me was seeing an area of the world that had an impact on my life – the small villages of Le Mesnil-Patry and Norrey-en-Bessin. My grandfather, who Sam is named for, was part of a small group of seven that survived a battle where their company lost 98 soldiers. My grandfather was awarded a Distinguished Conduct Medal. Although we were very close he never spoke about it.

 

Can you see the real me? Can ya? Can ya?

I was sitting with my friend Dave, as you do waiting for kids to be released from school yesterday, and I was telling him I’m going to back off the hockey head coaching thing, I’ve been doing it for four years, and Sorenne and I need a coaching break from each other.

Dave’s kid is taking to the ice for the first time in full hockey gear on Sunday, so I said I’d be there to help him.

Dave asked me why I was backing off, and I said, I had a lot of death about 35 years ago, it’s all on the Intertubes, but now I’m revisiting it, because I don’t have endless amounts of kids, I don’t have a job, and it’s making me evaluate what went on and who I am.

And I’m not the best person to be lead for the kids.

Dave: You can’t leave me hanging, what happened?

Doug (the 90 second version): In March 1981 I was in a car crash. I was driving and went through a house. My best friend was in the front seat with me and he died. There was one other person in the other car and he died.

I was in the hospital for two weeks and still have long-term pain related to the left side of my body, which was basically collapsed.

Then I went to jail for criminal negligence causing death, then my cousin, the only one of six children who survived a car crash before I knew him, died over a waterfall in B.C.

Then I got out of jail, went to visit my grandmother in Barrie, Ontario (in Canada) where she was caring for her husband who was dying of Alzheimer’s, and she took her own life.

I took her to the hospital with my uncle and she pretty much died in my arms.

And then death pretty much went away and I’ve been completely fortunate.

I have a fantastic support group I meet with most Fridays, lots of military, post-traumatic stress disorder types, oh, and the concussions I received playing goalie with a shitty piece of plastic for a mask have now become legendary.

Why do I share this?

Because it’s hard fucking work to get inside your soul.

It makes me a better writer.

It may even make me a better person, jury’s out on that one.

Don’t like it? Start your own blog, that is why I started the other University of Guelph newspaper, back when newspapers existed in 1986, because I got tired of listening to myself complain.

Or hit delete.

The Kentucky Derby is decadent and depraved: 5 quotes that capture the madness

Elaborate clothes, excessive drinking and loutish behaviour. Can you tell the difference between the 1970s Kentucky Derby and the atmosphere at the races today?

‘The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved’ is Hunter S. Thompson’s 1970s rendering of the ever-famous Louisville event, the annual Kentucky Derby. Alongside his companion and cartoonist Ralph Steadman, he paints a picture of an event that is just that: utterly decadent and wholly depraved.

Check out our top five quotes and you’ll see what we mean…

#1 Hunter S. Thompson and Steadman arrive at the racetrack bar and anyone who’s anyone is there: the politicians, the beautiful women and the rich locals, all there to see and be seen.

The only thing more important than the horse race itself is the sport of people-watching.

How different is that to the streams of spectators dressed in their best finery on Millionaire’s Row, desperate to impress the watchful eyes of the fashion police at the track nowadays?

#2 Looking out over the stands, Hunter S. Thompson imagines them packed with spectators, crying, fighting and falling over each other when the Kentucky Derby begins. The screaming, the vomiting, the public urination, the desperate grappling for money.

Ever sat in the cheap seats at a race track? If you’re in the infield, say goodbye to your hearing, you might as well throw away your shoes, and forget about personal space.

#3 Hunter S. Thompson studies the faces of the horse breeders, looking for the one face that perfectly represents the character of the typical Kentucky Derby race-goer. The privileged sort, drunk on whiskey and the belief in their own pure-bred Southern superiority.

They might be less conspicuously drunk nowadays but the only people who claim to be more pure-bred than the horses at a derby are the people who breed them.

#4 That night after the first race, drinking ensues in the unfortunate absence of drugs. Stealing passes to the race clubhouse, Hunter S. Thompson and Steadman spend an incoherent Kentucky Derby Day lost in a sea of whiskey-soaked people.

We’ve all seen the pictures of the rowdy drunken crowds falling over each other and pouring out of a race track. Hardly a stretch for the imagination.

#5 Hunter S. Thompson awakes from his drunken, sleep-like stupor, he sees an ill, red, haggered-looking face in the mirror. The exact face of the loathsome type of person he was looking for at the Derby.

The morning after the night before. We’ve all been there. This one doesn’t necessarily apply exclusively to horse races…just, mornings.

Hunter S. Thompson got one thing right in ‘The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved’: the racetrack is capable of bringing out the worst in human nature. But there’s really no denying it, it’s still a great day out.

Roger Ramjet, rainbow unicorns, and a Missouri girl’s poop-themed third birthday party

In grade 10, I would race home on my bicycle at lunch to take in 30 minutes of animated joy that was a predecessor to all the satire 40 years later of pompous American superheros, and I was convinced the writers were all stoned.

Roger Ramjet.

Greatest TV cartoon ever (read the start of the wiki entry to get of how deepl weird the show was and how we are living it today).

Today’s weirdest non-political animation is the pooping unicorn, which has reached its demographic epoch in the same way that 7-year-olds hang posters of Michael Jackson or Katy Perry, when a friend of daughter Sorenne asked, “Do you know what the colorful unicorn is?

Yes, yes I do, we covered it over a year ago and it has to do with a colorful unicorn and some stoned student pitching a device for the proper popping posture.

But is the unicorn effect spreading like diarrhea?

As Caroline Bologna of Huffington Post writes, when a Missouri mom named Rebecca asked her daughter, Audrey, how she’d like to celebrate her third birthday, the toddler had only one theme in mind: “poop.”

“For months, every time we mentioned her party, Audrey requested ‘poop balloons and a poop cake,’” Rebecca told The Huffington Post. “I tried suggesting other themes, but she always insisted on poop.”

Ultimately, she and her husband decided to “embrace the weird” and give Audrey the party she wanted.

The unconventional party took place in October at the family’s home in St. Louis.

The guests played “pin the poop,” enjoyed a poop emoji-shaped piñata filled with Tootsie Rolls and Hershey’s Kisses, and received whoopee cushion favors. Rebecca even dressed in a poop costume.

The mom said everyone loved the party and thought it was hilarious. “I expected the grandparents to question it, but they all just laughed when I told them,” she added.

Rebecca believes the birthday party embodied her daughter in many ways. “Audrey is definitely her own person,” she explained. “I hope she always has the confidence she has now. She is so funny and the best big sister.”

Rebecca hopes Audrey’s party can inspire other parents in the throes of birthday planning.

Some call it hockey? Shortest workout possible

Super-short workouts are all the rave in media space.

Me, I want to go back to working out 3 hours a day, and being mindful of it.

Gretchen Reynolds of The New York Times wrote in Feb. 2007, in an exaggerated example of exercise porn, that she had written about seven-minute, six-minute, four-minute, and even one-minute workouts. They are appealing because they require so little time, but they also demand straining effort.

Martin Gibala is the scientist we most have to thank for the popularity of very brief, very hard exercise. All of these workouts are built around the concept of high-intensity interval training, in which you push yourself almost to exhaustion for a brief spurt of minutes or seconds, and then rest and recover for a few minutes before repeating the intense interval.

It’s called hockey (the ice kind).

45-seconds shifts, go hard or go home, and do it again.

Tim, this one’s for you: Earthing Gwyneth Paltrow offers ridiculous depression cure

My friend Tim in Edmonton wrote a best-seller, Why Gwyneth Paltrow is Wrong About Everything.

If he’s working on a second edition, here’s a fairytale to add.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s infamous new-age lifestyle site GOOP has delivered the goods once more, offering subscribers some rather unusual advice on how to combat depression.

A new post on the Paltrow-helmed website introduces readers to the concept of “earthing” — that’s going barefoot, in layman’s terms.

Walking around barefoot outside isn’t a sure-fire way to step on something sharp — it’s actually an incredibly powerful healer for mental and physical woes including depression.

“Earthing therapy rests on the intuitive assumption that connecting to the energy of the planet is healthy for our souls and bodies,” says the post, which insists there is a “scientific angle” to the theory, and that ‘GP’ (Gwyneth Paltrow herself) swears by the practice.

There is one caveat: You must do your ‘earthing’ outside. Walking around barefoot in your own home just won’t cut it.

“Walking barefoot in your home, where minimally conductive or nonconductive materials like concrete foundations and hardwood floors insulate us from the earth’s electric potential, will not have the same effect,” GOOP quotes an earthing expert as saying.

Is this GOOP’s weirdest advice to date? Honestly, how do you even quantify that anymore? This is a website that, this year alone, has advised women to stick jade eggs into their vaginas to balance their menstrual cycles, and told anyone dealing with a breakup to immediately burn all their underpants in a bonfire.

In the past, Paltrow’s blog has even claimed underwire bras could cause breast cancer. The American Cancer Society disproved that myth.

There is the problem of worms.